My Beast
by Mel1592
Summary: Nick reflects on the Beast within him


Title: My Beast Author: Mel Rating: G, maybe very mild PG Spoilers: None Teaser: Nick reflects on the beast within him Feedback: Oh please, feed me, feed me! I'm thirsty... Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just take them out of the toybox, play with them for a while, then return them to their world unharmed  
  
Notes: This piece is my first Forever Knight fic. It was inspired by the episode 'Feeding The Beast', in which Nick confronts his blood addiction. It's probably a bit daring for a first attempt, a first person Nick POV, but hopefully it will be a good first effort. The title is taken from the title of the painting he was working on, 'My Beast'. After watching the ep, I started thinking of how, like the addiction, Nick's true nature is also a beast within him, that he must fight every day. Assume it's set somewhere just after that ep, around the time LaCroix shows up again. Feed me all you like, but be nice, since it's my first attempt in this fandom.  
  
It is my Beast. It is my evil nature, the killer within me. A savage, primeval monster that always lurks, just beneath the surface, waiting. It seeks to seize control of my mind, and transform me into the thing that I fear most, the vicious creature that is my other self. It is always tempting me, trying to draw me away from the light and back to the darkness in a constant tug-of-war, trying to force me to yield to my true nature.  
  
For close to 700 years, I allowed the Beast to control me and hold me captive. I followed its evil desires, killing, ravaging, and satisfying my eternal hunger for blood. I should have been happy with my eternity, but I wasn't. I still had a human conscience that gnawed at me, eating away at me and filling me with an inescapable guilt. As time passed, I decided that I could no longer allow it to hold me hostage, and I began to fight it, to search for a way to emerge from this dark eternity and return to the world of mortals.  
  
I struggle daily to keep the Beast chained and caged, locked away where it cannot harm me or anyone else. It is a difficult opponent, always looking for an opportunity to attack me. I must always keep my guard up, lest I make a mistake that will allow it to take control again. I am constantly pulled between the two worlds, constantly torn between the world I do not want to be a part of and the world I long to return to. When the Beast takes over, it is difficult to regain control of myself. I constantly fear that I will do something I will regret, and must wage a difficult battle to defeat it and take back my mind before it defeats me.  
  
My life is a contrast between the two worlds, between light and darkness, good and evil. Just as my painting is a contrast of colors, I am a conflict of emotions, of desires, of natures. As a police officer, I try to help people and save lives. I try to show kindness and compassion. I push myself toward the light, reaching for it, yearning to be a part of it. Yet always, the darkness, the Beast, is there, just beneath the surface, pulling my back toward it, threatening to take me captive again. It is the blood lust, the hungry killer who preys on humans and takes lives, the evil, soul-less monster that is the vampire, my true self.  
  
The Beast is sly and deceptive. It stalks me, springing up where I least expect it. It takes so many forms, always looking for a way to creep back into my mind: The beautiful woman who was my sponsor in the 12-step program, the seductive charm of Jeanette, Job- or case-related stress, anger and frustration, the evil, deceptive ploys of LaCroix, who often seems to be the physical manifestation of the Beast. These things, and others, tempt me, pulling at me, drawing me back toward the darkness. Sometimes, I can resist the pull by myself, and other times I must turn to Natalie. She is my only confidante, my only friend in the mortal world. Still other times, I have given in and allowed the Beast to take control, much to my own regret and shame. Those times, I could conquer it only by looking deep inside myself to find the strength to continue fighting.  
  
The Beast whispers in my ear, talking to me, calling me, trying to convince me to give up my quest and accept what I am. It tells me that my goal is foolish and impossible and that I should give up and accept what I am. It tells me that I am and always will be a killer, and that I cannot escape it. I tell myself not to listen to its voice, but even though I try to drive the whispers away, I cannot. It is persistent, determined, unrelenting. It fills my dreams, and dominates my thoughts. It is my constant companion, always with me, following me wherever I go.  
  
This battle is not an easy one, as the Beast is always seeking to wear me down, to force me to relent and return to the dark world. I do not know if I shall ever win the struggle, if the Beast will win, or if the battle will become an endless, continuous struggle, destined never to have a victor until my eternal existence is in some way ended. Nothing is certain in this battle I fight, nothing assured of happening until it happens. I never know from one day to the next how difficult the struggle will be, when the Beast will take control, or how hard it will be to resist it. I can only guess at what lies ahead and face each challenge as it comes. I grow weary and feel like giving up at times, but I know that I cannot allow the Beast to be victorious, and that I must continue the battle.  
  
  
  
However difficult it may be, I am determined to keep fighting. I believe, as does Natalie, that it is possible, that there must be some way to defeat the Beast. Each day that I succeed in resisting the Beast's pull is a small victory, even though I have not yet won the war. If I do win, it will not be an easy victory. The struggle is a constant, never-ending one that repeats itself each and every day. I must keep my determination strong and my mind focused. One day, I will win this war and defeat the monster that is inside of me, that is My Beast. 


End file.
